Impulses

Impulses. You can’t explain them. All of a sudden you find yourself doing something that you wouldn’t normally do or you do so often you don’t even realize it anymore.

Impulses. I find myself surrendering to my own impulses constantly. I don’t even know how it happens. Of course afterwords, I realize what I’ve done. But I can’t seem to stop. I can’t stop the impulse before it happens. I can control it once I realize what I’ve done and I can stop it from happening again. But beforehand… I rarely can stop myself.

Impulses. They somehow find a way to control my actions. I pray every night that maybe the next day will somehow be better. So that I can somehow control them with ease. Or push them aside; distract myself with something else, anything else. Every day I battle against the impulse.

The impulses don’t seem to attack me when I’m with other people. They don’t even dare trying to fight me. But as soon as I’m alone or at home, they try to creep up on me. Who do they think they are. They’re so tiny, I know I can beat them. Fight them until they give up. I’ve been fighting them for a year and a half now. I’ll keep fighting until they’re defeated. I know the end is near. I’ve been feeling it for a while now. Soon the impulses will no longer be in control.

xoxo -River

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